Maybe I Missed God

My kids and I always have theological discussions. I’ve been talking to them about God, faith, Catholicism, in one way or another, since each of them was born, and while I love babies and toddlers, I am happy to have kids who are old enough to think their own thoughts and share them. Most of the conversations of the past two years—ever since the hierarchy of the Catholic Church rolled over and played dead, closed churches, donned masks, made rules and regulations about the vaccinated and unvaccinated, and essentially declared that religious freedom is not really a big deal—have revolved around the Church, its demands, its political dealings, and its rules (and priests’ often liberal use of dispensations for individuals who would rather not follow those rules).

Yesterday, I asked my kids to read “Whitewashed Tombs,” so they’d know where I’m at, and I stressed that my relationship with God is my relationship with God, while each of their relationships with God is their relationship with God. What’s more, I made it clear that while I have determined to no longer attend Mass (where, by the way, I cannot receive the Body and Blood of Christ because of celiac disease, allergies to wheat and grapes, and an arbitrary canonical rule that says the Eucharistic bread and wine can be made only from wheat, water, and grapes), that doesn’t mean that they can’t attend Mass (taking the wine, if it ever becomes available to parishioners again), as most of them have long been doing on their own, anyway. What’s more, my decision to not return to Mass is not necessarily a permanent one. It reflects where I am now: physically, mentally, spiritually.

Let me just add that Jack and I had a very interesting conversation yesterday, while we were shoveling the driveway. In the course of it, I asked, “Is it about God or is it about the Catholic Church?” and a slow smile spread across his face. For most of my life, I equated faith with the Catholic Church, and being a Christ follower was more about playing the Catholic game as well as possible: check all the boxes, follow all the rules, advance to the Pearly Gates. Where was God in all of this?